it's funny, but despite being a psychology major,

i cant seem to handle myself well in public.

i dunno when to smile at people, when to avert my gaze.

so most of de time, i end up staring at ppl i noe

(read : as in, i noe of their existence)

and then realising tt i am staring at them,

i quickly look away.

i overhead someone telling someone else tt she cant stand

me cos of my 'setep' face.

yea, ouch, i noe.

but believe it or not, i've gotten tt so often,

i don really noe how to react anymore.

it's also like being told, "oh my god, you're like soooo thin"

well, considering i am underweight since i was a baby til now,

i dun really wad to reply to that.

so i juz smile.

it's better than saying "oh yes, i am anorexic. i don eat, i juz drink

tap water everyday" and laugh maniacally.

but despite everythin i've learnt, not to conform to societal pressures

and to believe wad ppl want u to believe,

sometimes i do go "am i anorexic?", "do i look that unapproachable?".

but then again, i see how the ppl i am close to react to wad i say.

wad these ppl think abt me.

tt i make ppl laugh, i'm loud and eccentric, and i am fun-loving.

so i am really tt cold?

i decided that i'm juz socially awkward.

it's like being in an sbs bus, sitting at de seat that faces everyone else.

where do u look? wad do u focus ur attention on?

i guess i'm like tt.

sometimes i walk at de corridors in de arts fac, and i see someone i noe.

i wonder whether i should smile. or whether de person would respond.

or whether de person even remembers me.

by the time i finish wondering, de person would haf walked past.

today alone, as i was walking beside mary (the princess of genovia,

u noe in princess diaries, cos she smiles and waves every other time.)

everyone who smiled and waved and said hi to her, i noe em all.

but they choose to treat me as invisible.

i used to hate it, but now i'm so used to it tt i kinda feel like

the pressure to decide whether to acknowledge them or not is lifted.

maybe i choose not to bother abt other ppl cos i noe how it feels

when ppl dun make an effort to get to noe u,

yet they make stupid judgment and comments abt u.

so in a way, isnt it better tt i juz keep quiet and mind my own business?

yet, i cant deny tt it does hurt.

i depend on my loved ones a lot.

so when they arent ard, i choose to totally switch off.

tt's why i really appreciate ppl who come up to me to talk, smile or say hi.

they make things easier.

phew. there u go. one of those rare entries tt i talk abt my feelings.

by the way, in case u guys are wondering,

i am not anorexic. if u read my blog religiously,

and see tt i am a food-lover, u'd noe wad i mean.

and no, i'm not bulimic either. i come from a not-so-well-to-do family.

i dun juz spend money on food to barf it all back.

and i juz wanna say thank you to those who chose to be frens with me

despite my "setep" exterior.

=)